I’ve had time to soak up the glamour. I’ve meditated on the ermine-clad government intrigue and its applications to our current political climate. My main takeaways from Netflix’s addictive period drama “The Crown” are as follows:
Fog will kill you.
Queen Elizabeth’s family, if I am to put stock in Matt Smith’s cad-tastic performance as the Duke of Edinburgh in particular, are a bunch of self-centered, toxic emotion-tornadoes.
Austin needs its own royal family.
This last point might be an unpopular one. But consider: Austin is already a politically and culturally isolated enclave in Texas, a state that often romanticizes the idea of its own sovereignty. Queen Elizabeth has stopped by our fair burg before (former Gov. Ann Richards looked completely at home next to the monarch). In an ever-changing city, we need some some comforting stability. Also, I am definitely joking.
However, with Belgium’s Princess Astrid visiting Austin this week, the Statesman webdesk wondered: If Austin had a royal family, who would wear the crowns? We stayed away from political figures, mind you. Here are our picks, with complete disregard for primogeniture and the definition of the word “family.”
His Majesty King Willie
Prince William will eventually inherit the British throne, but we’ve already got a Willie on our throne. Could there be anyone else at the head of this royal family? Defender of the weird, emperor of the outlaws. He’s already got his own statue. Trigger is his sceptre, his hat is his crown. God save the king.
The Austin billionaire, who is the founder of the John Paul Mitchell Systems hair-care empire and the Patrón tequila brand, certainly brings a royal purse. And up until recently, he owned a ranch full of exotic animals, which is aggressively imperial.
Princess Quita of Culpepper
Part of any royal’s responsibility is to capture the hearts and minds of the people, in part as a function of ceremonial public appearances. KVUE’s Quita Culpepper, a veteran of Austin’s news world, more than fits the bill. Plus, she’s got the whole “comfort in times of tribulation” thing down pat.
Aaron, Duke of Franklin
Lest we forget that food is as important to Austin as duty is to the British crown. Aaron Franklin is the defender of our faith in smoked meat.
Kendra, Duchess of Hexagonal Jewelry
What says royalty more than crown jewels? And who says turquoise can’t be a crown jewel? Any ruling class needs a little glitz. Best part: Austin jewelry magnate Kendra Scott brings her own baubles.
One of the most prestigious kingdoms in the Austin realm, UT’s sports programs are some of our most prized institutions. Who better to reign over the burnt orange isle than Olympic champion, Texas alumna, entrepreneur and TV star Sanya Richards-Ross?
Hillary Clinton? Donald Trump? This Austin homeowner has decided neither candidate is right for them and instead is spreading the word to vote for a local hero.
Willie Nelson, hometown hero and leader of the hippies and rednecks and everyone in between, has been unofficially campaigning for years now. There’s even a whole section on his website devoted to “Willie For President” merch, which is where it appears this homeowner found this sign.
There’s even a “Willie for President” mural in Austin.
It’s been 15 years since tragedy struck the United States when planes crashed into the World Trade Center and the Pentagon, affecting everyone across the nation. To this day, the country remembers what happened on 9/11.
Austin’s beloved Red Headed Stranger celebrates his 83rd birthday today. We couldn’t fit our excitement into just 24 hours, so we’ve been celebrating Willie for five nostalgic days. In case you weren’t religiously following Willie Week, here’s what you might have missed:
We couldn’t find any details on the official websites for either the Muppets or Nelson, but smart money would bet that the singer is set for an upcoming guest spot on ABC’s “The Muppets.” At least one Muppet fan site seems to think so.
This isn’t Nelson’s first time to rub elbows with Jim Henson’s crew. He famously recorded a cover of Kermit the Frog’s “The Rainbow Connection” in 2001, released on the Grammy-nominated album of the same name.